Let It Dry Once Its Dry Hit It Again Flex Seal
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Waterproofing My Life With FLEX Record - JonTron
[Text in parentheses = deportment not spoken or displayed in text.]
[The episode starts off with Jon doing...something on a calculator, merely to take his claret bag (which is present for all the same unknown reasons) brainstorm spilling onto the reckoner, causing information technology to short-circuit.]
Jon: Augh! I hate it when my calculator combusts because my own blood for my blood purse is spilling on my calculator! Ah! If only at that place was some mode to fix this!
[A paw with noticeable black nails comes upward and sloppily slaps a piece of Flex Tape onto the compromised claret bag, "fixing" information technology.]
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!
[The paw gives Flex Tape a thumbs up] [Cuts to Jon looking at the viewer]
Jon: Flex Tape. Okay y'all heard about this stuff? I mean this is basically have you lot heard of Jesus?!? Well even He couldn't do equally much as Flex Tape, apparently. I had never heard of Flex Tape until I was in the pub, and out of the corner of my eye I happened to grab, uh, this infomercial about Flex Tape, so I'1000 gonna let Phil do the talking for you lot, cuz I want you to- I want you to be a sold on Flex Tape as I am. Disclaimer: I am not really sponsored in whatever way by Flex Tape, although I wish I was... [winks] Call me.
Flex Tape
Jon: Alright I'one thousand only gonna let you relish this for yourself. Here we get this is Flex Record.
[Infomercial of Flex Tape plays with Phil Swift introducing the production to the viewers]
Phil Swift: Hullo, Phil Swift here for Flex Tape, the super strong waterproof record!
[Phil slaps the piece of Flex Tape over the hole of a water tank]
Phil: That tin can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair!
[A part of Nightwish - Ghost Love Score plays equally the prune replays in one case]
Tourettes Guy: OH SHIT!
[Afterward another replay of the clip, it ends, going dorsum to Jon]
Jon: You gotta beloved it. It'southward always a guy like Phil Swift, Johnny Starr. You never get another guy coming out similar "It's me, Josephi Krakowski with Flex Tape"!
Phil: Leaky pipes tin crusade major damage, but Flex Record grips on tight and bonds instantly. Plus, Flex Record's powerful agglutinative is and so strong...
[Phil puts a piece of Flex Tape underwater, repairing one of the leaks in another water tank]
Phil: It even works underwater!
Jon: You however left the other one, Phil!
[The same clip shows again, this fourth dimension zooming into the tank, so to Phil himself]
Jon VO: You've washed half a task and y'all got a full smile!
[Next clip shows a repaired car driving through sprinkling water]
Phil: Flex Record keeps its grip even in the toughest weather!
Jon: That is not the toughest atmospheric condition. That looks like y'all're going through a motorcar wash. Who'ya think you foolin'?
[Next clip plays, showing a branch falling onto the rooftop] [A startled Jon jumps backward.]
Phil: Big storms can-
Jon: Alright, THAT might be the toughest weather condition! You scared me! That wasn't even— does this have anything to practise with Flex Tape? Are you alright, Phil?
[Other clips prove the inside and outside of the puddle, inside a boat, and an RV.]
Phil: Flex Tape is perfect for marine, campers, and RVs.
Jon: I honey on these commercials literally it's like "you lot could simply use this on annihilation! Ah, open heart surgery! [Cuts to video of an open centre surgery] Guys got an artery going? [Cuts back to Jon softly slamming the table] Flex Tape!"
Well honestly what they should practice in these infomercials is just tell you what information technology can't do- simply tell you the three or four things that Flex Record can't gear up— "a broken matrimony! Even then, shown- shown to exist slightly more effective than placebo!"
[Prune shows Phil Swift lifting a forty-5 pound barbel weight with ane mitt and a piece of Flex Record secured to the side of the weight]
Phil: Flex Tape is super strong!
[Cuts to Jon, surprised at what he saw]
Jon: Flex Tape ain't super strong, Phil! You're super potent!
[Cuts, returning to Phil lifting the barbel weight]
Phil: And once it's on, it holds on tight!
Jon: I got a couple of pictures.. of Phil on... in my house on the wall. May or may non have Photoshopped his undies off... [Jon begins to smile creepily] Might accept may or may not have Photoshopped his wiener on... [Begins to laugh, then his face turns into a slightly, serious tone.] I've done information technology though, really, it'due south serious. It's a trouble.
[Cuts to Phil with a saw]
Phil: To show you the power of Flex Tape, [The audio of the saw ensues, then it stops, followed by Phil pushing the perfectly symmetrical halves of the boat onto the flooring] I sawed this boat in half!
[Cuts back to Jon putting his right leg over his left knee]
Jon: Phil what does that take to do with record? No okay- I want to- tell me how the fuck- what does that got to do with Flex Record?
Phil: I sawed this boat in half! And repaired it with only Flex Tape!
Jon: You lot repaired it with Simply Flex Tape. I'm sure y'all did.
[Clip then shows Phil riding on the repaired gunkhole on the water]
Phil: YE DOGGIE!
Jon: And yous're on the boat! He'south on the fucking boat! I'k distressing. Does that say "12 inch wide Flex Tape used on both inside and outside of the boat"? Oh, see, y'all gotta brand sure you use it both on the inside and the outside. There is no fucking way that the only thing they use to put that boat dorsum together is Tape. I-I will eat my-I'll eat my fucking Flex Tape.
[Clip shows the ending of the commercial]
Phil: Imagine everything you can exercise with the power of Flex Tape!
[Jon shows up with Flex Tape in his mitt]
Jon: Alright, I got Flex Tape. For real, let's meet if this works.
[Jon turns on the sink in the bathroom]
Jon: Alright. I no longer want water.
[He puts a strip of Flex Tape on the sink'southward faucet, with some water leaking]
Jon:Oh, shit! Okay, moment of truth.
[He turns on the shower and puts a strip of Flex Tape onto the faucet, once more, with some water leaking]
Jon: Oh, jeez.
[Clip shows to Jon attempting to smother his cat.]
Jon: C'mere… c'mere at present… plug upwardly those eyes that nose is Yet BREATHING!
[Finally, cuts to a prune showing pictures of two infamous leakers, Edward Snowden and Julien Assange. Jon uses the strip of Flex Tape on the picture, literally covering it up.]
Jon: There nosotros go... all patched up.
[Super Blast Bros Homerun Bat audio with EPIC JOKE showing]
Flex Seal: Liquid
Jon: The next i we take is Flex Seal... Flex Seal liquid permit's have a await at this. Oh keen Phil, our Prometheus... what fire of noesis practice you bring us mortals today?
[The Flex Seal Liquid infomercial begins playing.]
Phil: Phil Swift here with Flex Seal — the like shooting fish in a barrel way to stop leaks fast!
[Camera zooms in on the Flex Sealed colander so cuts to Jon]
Jon: Information technology's a colander, Phil. Information technology'southward supposed to, uh... have holes and leaks. What you lot've done is essentially you've made a bowl.
Phil: The easy way to end leaks fast!
Jon: Phil! yous make me aroused, Phil! [Jon kicks something and grabs a pan] Could've just grabbed one of these, Phil! Don't need Flex Seal! Wait at its curvature! The piece of cake fashion to accept a bowl without creating 1 out of a colander!
[Cuts to Phil demonstrating that Flex Seal Liquid can be poured into cracks.]
Phil: And now, in that location'south Flex Seal Liquid, the super thick rubber that you can pour correct in the cracks.
Jon: Y'all could! You could- pour information technology right into cracks. You could practise that, [philosophical vocalization] merely why ? Why would you lot do that? Why would you do any of that?
[Cuts to Phil dipping a wooden hammer's handle into a tube of Flex Seal Liquid]
Phil: Even dip all your tools, for a tough no-slip grip.
Jon: Even dip all your tools?! I can understand the other two, like, there's some application, but how do you go from like "you can end water from going through cracks... weatherproof some of your outdoor materials.... dip your tools in this shit, I don't know!"
[Cuts to Jon with a drill which he claims is worthless in information technology'south current land]
Jon: This product is worthless in it's electric current country. [Dips a drill into the bucket of Flex Seal Liquid.] Now that's good... but become that right in there, just soak that right up. Now yous could basically see that [spinning drill] this is- a 100% improved product, thanks Flex Seal.
[Just WAIT!! In that location'Southward More!!] [Cuts to Jon with his glove off, holding a canteen of alcohol.]
Jon: Grandpa been hitting the sauce a little too much? Call back he's a fiddling too old for that? [dips the canteen's lid into the bucket, pulling it out.] Done. He own't getting in there.
[GRANDPAS Hate HIM!!!, accompanied by the Super Mario 64 hurting sound] [Finally, Jon shows upward wearing a glove holding a fork.]
Jon: Broken item. [Dips the fork in the bucket, pulls it out.] Fixed.
[Camera zooms in on the fork with money falling]
Phil: To show you the power of Flex Seal Liquid-
[Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Here it comes. Heeere it comes...
[Cuts dorsum to Phil with an airboat fabricated of screen]
Phil: We made this unabridged airboat and covered it in Flex Seal Liquid!
Jon: Another boat? Are y'all serious?
[Cuts to Phil riding on another gunkhole.]
Phil: Later a day on the water—
Jon: Aaaaand he's riding it once again. Phil, you did not simply roll some Flex Seal on that and get out in fucking gator-infested waters. I know you didn't. Uh, disclaimer: multiple coats used. Yeh, we didn't only, y'all know, slap some of that shit on and transport it out.
Phil: And the inside is completely dry out!
[Cuts to Jon mimicking what he thinks Phil would really be like if this were actually the case.]
Jon: "I can scarcely believe this is working at all! I guarantee you, in a minute or 2, this whole performance'south gonna come up apart I'm gonna autumn the h2o I- I might get blind for life!"
Flex Seal: Extreme Bucket Demo
Jon: All right, we got ane more here, nosotros got the FLEX SEAL Extreme Bucket Demo. Annihilation with the words extreme and bucket— you know it's gonna exist skilful.
[Cuts to Phil wearing safe glasses and holding a knife, sound quality of the video gets a little louder this fourth dimension.]
Phil: You may have seen a few people test Flex Seal—
Jon: Okay he's get- he'southward lost it. It'southward over.
Phil: HAHAHA... [begins to stab the bottom of the bucket with a knife.]
Jon: Phil I knew for the moment I saw you slapping tape on holes, yous mighta had a- [points to temples] had a couple holes up here! You needed some *slaps temples* Flex Record for, you know I'm maxim... go along the demons from getting out.
[As he stabs the lesser of the bucket with a knife, the blurb appears and reads "Don't Attempt This."] [Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Don't try- don't try this. DON'T TRY THIS… [clip replays] It's not fifty-fifty a don't endeavor this at home... just "DON'T try this." Phil, he's gone insane, he came in hither earlier with a knife and a chainsaw. Please, help! [typing] Send help!
[Cuts to Phil stabbing the bucket for the third time]
Phil: That's a lot of impairment!
Jon: That'due south a LOTTA DAAA MIDGE!
[Cuts to Phil again]
Phil: That's a lot of damage!
Jon: It'due south not that much damage, really, Phil… Information technology's not... c- could be a lot worse.
Phil: How about a piddling more than?
Jon: OH! he'southward goin' for the chainsaw.
Phil: AHAHAHA! [begins to destroy the lesser with a chainsaw and the blurb reappears, now with the annex, "Seriously" in forepart of it.]
Jon: Seriously, Practise NOT endeavour- never attempt this! Phil has gone also far! He has sniffed besides much Flex Glue, and now all he can encounter is Martians!
Phil: AHAHAHA! NOW, THAT"S A LOT OF Harm! Let's see if information technology's gonna leak! [attempts to fill the damaged saucepan with water, and well and behold, it leaks.] Yeah! It leaks!
Jon: Yes, it leaks. Information technology leaks. Definitely leaks. Goin'... the water, is coming out the bottom, it'south leaking. Leaks.
[Cuts to Phil spraying the within of the bucket with Flex Seal.]
Phil: Alright, let'due south seal information technology with Flex Seal. All you need to practise is but spray a squeamish, even coating.
Jon: All y'all gotta do, but spray that round... squirt it circular, get it nice and even… Earlier you know it,you have your saucepan baaaaaack! that y'all destroyed you'll get thatbaaaaaack!
[Cuts to the blurb that reads "If You However Have A Leak, NO PROBLEM! Just Add More Coats.]
Phil: If you test it and at that place's all the same a trivial leak, you lot may demand to add a few more coats.
Jon: After all that Flex Spray, man, you're gonna accept no bucket left!
[Cuts to a a skit of Jon playing a man who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal.]
Human who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal: You know, friends or family would ask me, uh, you know, why didn't you just purchase a new saucepan, or not destroy the one you had? You know, I'd just turn 'em and say… speaks for itself done'it? [struggles to lift the bucket total of solid Flex Seal] No replacement for that, I tell you what. [hardly manages to pour a cup full of water into the bucket.] Look at that, expect at that look at how information technology holds that water, information technology'southward only equally proficient every bit new! [struggles to pick upwardly the saucepan.] I scarcely find a departure!
[Cuts to Phil spraying the inside of the saucepan.]
Phil: In one case it's dry, striking it again. Merely give it time. Have patience.
Jon: Have patience, it'due south not a phenomenon product.SLAP ON THAT FLEX TAPE! It's not a fucking miracle! SLAP It ON WITH THE MIGHT OF ZEUS! What do you lot- just accept some fucking patience?!
[Cuts to Phil]
Phil: Wow, we had to repair a lot of damage. Allow's accept a await.
Jon: Phil, you keep alluding to the- to the amount of damage you've washed to the bucket. I know y'all got a chip of a Rambo circuitous, alright, I- It's non that serious.
Phil: We'll wait inside. Well, this is where the knife went through.
Jon: Oh, you're but gonna testify that on alive idiot box? You've got a full- full bucket autopsy here! Have you idea of the family of the saucepan? How are they gonna feel seeing that on the nightly news?
[Cuts to Jon threatening the bucket with a knife.]
Jon: "Yep, I bet you lot wish you were a little nicer to me now, huh? Used to call me Eduardo- Squidwardo behind my back you think I DIDN'T Discover, HUH? I'M GONNA Requite YOU LOTS OF Damage!" I experience like I could actually- actually kill myself this way past stabbing directly into my heart so I'yard gonna probably- I'm gonna stop, for real.
[Cuts to the shower faucet spraying water into the bucket.]
Phil: Wow. There'southward admittedly no leaks. Information technology's completely dry out.
Jon: Oh, look at that, the water'south going in the bucket and it's being a saucepan.
Phil: Now, that'southward astonishing. Cameraman, you checking this out?
[Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Cameraman, you see that? you see-? Couple of turd stains and a jizz napkin in there? Never seen anything like it!
Phil: You know, Flex Seal is an amazing product. If yous make full all the cracks and holes and you lot let it dry completely, Flex Seal works.
Jon: If you do the affair, and you do it right, and you don't fuck it upwards, information technology works!! It only works!!
[Cuts to Jon putting Flex Tape on his butt]
Jon: Slap it on my butt. Proceed that poo in for as long equally you can! When it finally comes out, by golly, that's gonna experience like the best shit you've ever taken! This is Phil Swift with Flex Tape, I'm a prostitute!
[Stops with a blurb below reading #1 Prostitute Approved, accompanied by the Call NOW!!! blurb and a phone number maxim 1-800-BUTTPAL.]
Woman: Call for free anal consultation.
[Screen cuts to the credits]
Post-Credits
Jon:[covered in Flex Tape, pours water on himself] Just let me die! [runs effectually the business firm.] Simply allow me dice! [runs into the bath] Permit me die in peace! [in the shower] I'yard perfect! I'thou too perfect! This is what happens when yous try to play GOD! AAAAAAAUUGH! [screen cuts to black]
Source: https://jontronshow.fandom.com/wiki/Waterproofing_My_Life_With_FLEX_TAPE/Transcript
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